This is my “coming-out-of-the-closet” article regarding my religious beliefs. This revelation may come as a surprise to many of my friends who are unaware of the changes that have occurred in my faith. The purpose of this article is to explain what happened and why.
Before I delve into my journey, it’s important to know that I was once a fully committed conservative Christian. As a teenager, I accepted Jesus into my heart as my Lord and Savior, was “baptized in the Spirit,” participated in Bible studies, and attended Oral Roberts University. As an adult, I was active in church, served as a Sunday School teacher and small group leader, held multiple terms on the Church Board, and actively supported several ministries and missions. I read the Bible several times, memorized many verses, and for years believed in a literal seven-day creation. I immersed myself in Christian literature and studied theology. I was a 100% bona fide Evangelical.
Looking back, the unraveling began at the 1997 Promise Keepers conference in Washington, D.C. I came across a pamphlet distributed by a pseudo-Christian cult that presented an intriguing biblical perspective. It prompted me to consider how much of what I believed was actually aligned with the Bible’s original meaning and how much was influenced by my cultural and doctrinal lens.
This introspection led me to embark on a five-year research project focused on the concepts of heaven and hell. I concluded that the interpretation of hell is a misreading of certain scriptures and that salvation through Jesus is universal. (I wrote an essay on my research, which is available upon request) This was over 20 years ago, and while I understood there were ramifications to this theology, I lacked the time and energy to explore it further.
In 2017, I discovered that a local pastor acquaintance had also come to believe in universal salvation through his own research. We began meeting regularly to discuss a variety of topics, and he frequently returned to the idea of “no separation.” This concept posits that God and humankind are not separate and have never been; rather, all of creation is one in Christ. While this article cannot fully explore the depth of this idea, I eventually became convinced that it is supported by scripture.
Around this time, I also started learning about quantum physics, particularly the concept of entanglement, which confirmed that everything is interconnected. I began to reflect on the Genesis creation story and found it increasingly implausible that God created the universe from nothing. Instead, I came to believe that the universe must have emerged from God’s own self, implying that everything and everyone is an aspect or manifestation of God.
As I delved deeper into scholarly biblical research, I realized that the Bible is not entirely consistent, contains historical inaccuracies, and that many stories and texts have been edited or altered from their “original” forms, reflecting the views and culture of their authors. Consequently, my perception of the Bible as a wholly reliable text began to crumble.
This realization also called into question the notion that God requires blood sacrifice for the forgiveness of sins, which undermined the belief that Jesus died for the forgiveness of our sins. As I investigated further, I began to listen to alternative spiritual voices, such as Eckhart Tolle, and numerous near-death experiencers. I discovered that many people, who do not identify as Christians or do not conform to traditional Christian beliefs, seem to have legitimate and profound experiences with God. If a non-Christian can know God, then Christianity cannot claim exclusive access to the divine.
Ultimately, I recognized that Christianity had failed to address my personal emotional, mental, and relational struggles. I could not discern that my life was significantly better than that of the average non-Christian. I had undergone deliverance, Christian counseling, healing prayer, Bible study, and various Christian approaches to transformation, but none of these had lasting effects or, at best, provided only temporary relief.
When I combined all these factors, my faith crashed and burned in 2019. By 2020, I had deconstructed everything I once believed and found myself unsure of what was true. All I knew was that I could no longer hold on to my previous beliefs. This was devastating, as everything I had built my life upon for decades crumbled.
For two years, I lived in a spiritual wilderness. It was a “Dark Night of the Soul.” Gradually, I began to reconstruct a belief framework, though it remains very bare-bones. The only belief I hold without question is that God is Love. Everything else is an appendage that delicately hangs on this core belief. I do not want to become too attached to any other single idea, as it too may need to be deconstructed at some point.
I have emerged from this experience with a dynamic spiritual life. My practices now include meditation and breathwork. I still pray and read the Bible, as well as other scriptures and writings. I am intrigued by the intersection of quantum physics and spirituality and remain open to alternative ways of piercing the veil between the physical and non-physical worlds through music, psychedelics, dreams, and visions. Throughout this journey, I have found significant help in addressing my personal issues, although I still have a long way to go.
What amazes me most is that I had always heard that non-Christians were unable to know God or experience the joy of God’s presence. Yet, I feel the joyful and loving presence of God as much, if not more, than I ever did before. I still sense the leading of the Spirit. I still consider myself a Christian in the sense that I seek to follow Christ. However, instead of getting caught up in what constitutes the “right” beliefs about Jesus, I focus more on the attitude of my heart and following the way of Jesus, which is Love.
There is much more to unpack, and I have a lot more to say. However, those topics will be the subject of future articles. Until then, feel free to leave comments or contact me if you have anything to share or ask.